Cambodian parents want us engaged already!!
Cambodian parents want us engaged already!!
I live in Taiwan, but have met a girl here (for context, she is 19, I'm soon to be 30) and I have been over to see her again too. Although we're both clearly excited about dating and getting to know each other, the relationship we have is still in the early stages and we still have a lot to learn about each other. We have not slept with each other yet either.
Obviously, there's an age difference here but I'm into this girl and have met her family a couple of times too - all very nice people. The thing is, I just received a message from her mother saying that she wants us to get engaged (!)
Tbh, I've been startled by how early this suggestion is. But I like her parents a lot and want to find a sensitive way to answer this. Please bear in mind that I'm still very new to this culture!
She (mom) said that although it is her daughter's first boyfriend, she is happy for her daughter to move and live with me, but also asking if I could pay something to the family to secure her engagement (as I understand is tradition?). I have never suggested to anybody that I thought we needed to move in together, and I have never got the impression that she was eager for this to happen this either.
I will talk this over with her of course, but I was hoping someone here might be able to give me some tips about navigating this cultural difference.
I believe that this girl is serious about me, and I don't doubt the family's intentions here either. I just am not sure what they are really expecting of me - Is this an invitation for me to pay some kind of support, and is it appropriate for western guys to do that when dating locals? I've read on these forums about 'milk money' and such - Is she prompting me to pay some kind of virginity tax?? For the record, I don't know that this girl is a virgin, and I don't care for that matter either, as her past is her past. Is this a normal thing that I should just cough up? If so, could anyone tell me what is normal to pay? Sorry, if anything I say is disrespectful. It's not intended to be, I just have have no clue about this and can't even find much info on it.
As I'm concerned, getting married at this early stage to somebody this young would quite clearly be irresponsible for everyone involved. Even her moving to Taiwan would put huge pressure on us, and on her personally at such a young age. Still, I do like her, as I say, and want to assure her and them that I'm serious.
Besides talking to the girl of course, how best should I best handle this? Is there anything I'm not considering?
Thanks to all for reading.
Obviously, there's an age difference here but I'm into this girl and have met her family a couple of times too - all very nice people. The thing is, I just received a message from her mother saying that she wants us to get engaged (!)
Tbh, I've been startled by how early this suggestion is. But I like her parents a lot and want to find a sensitive way to answer this. Please bear in mind that I'm still very new to this culture!
She (mom) said that although it is her daughter's first boyfriend, she is happy for her daughter to move and live with me, but also asking if I could pay something to the family to secure her engagement (as I understand is tradition?). I have never suggested to anybody that I thought we needed to move in together, and I have never got the impression that she was eager for this to happen this either.
I will talk this over with her of course, but I was hoping someone here might be able to give me some tips about navigating this cultural difference.
I believe that this girl is serious about me, and I don't doubt the family's intentions here either. I just am not sure what they are really expecting of me - Is this an invitation for me to pay some kind of support, and is it appropriate for western guys to do that when dating locals? I've read on these forums about 'milk money' and such - Is she prompting me to pay some kind of virginity tax?? For the record, I don't know that this girl is a virgin, and I don't care for that matter either, as her past is her past. Is this a normal thing that I should just cough up? If so, could anyone tell me what is normal to pay? Sorry, if anything I say is disrespectful. It's not intended to be, I just have have no clue about this and can't even find much info on it.
As I'm concerned, getting married at this early stage to somebody this young would quite clearly be irresponsible for everyone involved. Even her moving to Taiwan would put huge pressure on us, and on her personally at such a young age. Still, I do like her, as I say, and want to assure her and them that I'm serious.
Besides talking to the girl of course, how best should I best handle this? Is there anything I'm not considering?
Thanks to all for reading.
If you’re not even living in Cambodia I’d hold off.
You say you don’t care about her past but I urge you to care especially if Shes got other “boyfriends” either foreign and local.
Mothers don’t tend to let 19yo out alone without a chaperone unless she’s, erm, experienced. Especially with a non local.
I would tread carefully especially if you’re green to the whole hot SE Asian girl scene, yes I know you’re Taiwanese. You know what I mean!
You say you don’t care about her past but I urge you to care especially if Shes got other “boyfriends” either foreign and local.
Mothers don’t tend to let 19yo out alone without a chaperone unless she’s, erm, experienced. Especially with a non local.
I would tread carefully especially if you’re green to the whole hot SE Asian girl scene, yes I know you’re Taiwanese. You know what I mean!
pew, pew, pew, pew!
YaTingPom wrote: ↑Mon Feb 20, 2023 8:25 pmIf you’re not even living in Cambodia I’d hold off.
You say you don’t care about her past but I urge you to care especially if Shes got other “boyfriends” either foreign and local.
Mothers don’t tend to let 19yo out alone without a chaperone unless she’s, erm, experienced. Especially with a non local.
I would tread carefully especially if you’re green to the whole hot SE Asian girl scene, yes I know you’re Taiwanese. You know what I mean!
I don't think the OP's Taiwanese, possibly just teaching there.
Anyway, you definitely want to live with her for at least six months, assuming she's from a similar class as you. If she's not...run!
That's a fair point, but then why mention where he lives if he is not from there!Guest wrote: ↑Mon Feb 20, 2023 10:40 pmYaTingPom wrote: ↑Mon Feb 20, 2023 8:25 pmIf you’re not even living in Cambodia I’d hold off.
You say you don’t care about her past but I urge you to care especially if Shes got other “boyfriends” either foreign and local.
Mothers don’t tend to let 19yo out alone without a chaperone unless she’s, erm, experienced. Especially with a non local.
I would tread carefully especially if you’re green to the whole hot SE Asian girl scene, yes I know you’re Taiwanese. You know what I mean!
I don't think the OP's Taiwanese, possibly just teaching there.
Anyway, you definitely want to live with her for at least six months, assuming she's from a similar class as you. If she's not...run!
It's like being in a Greggs in Edinburgh and trying a sausage roll but saying you prefer the ones In London.
pew, pew, pew, pew!
You’re right, I’m not from Taiwan. Only mentioned that because it’s a bit easier for me to meet her than if I was in the west.
I can’t speak for the sausage rolls in Edinburgh or London but safe to say both are better than those in Taiwan.
I’m not going to think about marriage until we’ve dated for a lot longer, but is it going to be difficult for me to spend more time with her unless I agree to get engaged?
With regards to parents asking for money to have dating rights or whatever.. is that normal in Cambodia?
Sorry, I have no idea how it works here. Can anyone enlighten me?
I can’t speak for the sausage rolls in Edinburgh or London but safe to say both are better than those in Taiwan.
I’m not going to think about marriage until we’ve dated for a lot longer, but is it going to be difficult for me to spend more time with her unless I agree to get engaged?
With regards to parents asking for money to have dating rights or whatever.. is that normal in Cambodia?
Sorry, I have no idea how it works here. Can anyone enlighten me?
In my "dating" days, such as they were, it was very normal - even super liberal, but I've heard it's all very different for the young bucks and hoes so i suppose it depends what sort of family she's from. Either way I expect they'll be keen to get some money in exchange for her giving up the goods.
Can anyone corroborate?RobW wrote: ↑Tue Feb 21, 2023 5:02 pmIn my "dating" days, such as they were, it was very normal - even super liberal, but I've heard it's all very different for the young bucks and hoes so i suppose it depends what sort of family she's from. Either way I expect they'll be keen to get some money in exchange for her giving up the goods.
Also how much money are they likely to be expecting, ballpark?
Cambodians don't generally do engagements...families meet, talk, decide on whether they are happy for their children to be together, man's family pays bride price, kids get married then move in together.
I'm not a negative person, I encourage people all the time...it's usually to f**k off! But, whatever.
My guess would be that you've got yourself a good girl from a poor-ish family, and her parents are nervous that you'll defile their daughter then disappear (being as you're a foreigner and it would be easy for you to do so). I think they're offering you a sort of modern compromise whereby the money makes you less likely to run off, and the engagement allows them to save face with their friends, neighbours and relatives. There's a strong chance gossiping cunts are already suggesting that she's sleeping with you.Jakhud wrote: ↑Mon Feb 20, 2023 7:58 pmI live in Taiwan, but have met a girl here (for context, she is 19, I'm soon to be 30) and I have been over to see her again too. Although we're both clearly excited about dating and getting to know each other, the relationship we have is still in the early stages and we still have a lot to learn about each other. We have not slept with each other yet either.
Obviously, there's an age difference here but I'm into this girl and have met her family a couple of times too - all very nice people. The thing is, I just received a message from her mother saying that she wants us to get engaged (!)
Tbh, I've been startled by how early this suggestion is. But I like her parents a lot and want to find a sensitive way to answer this. Please bear in mind that I'm still very new to this culture!
She (mom) said that although it is her daughter's first boyfriend, she is happy for her daughter to move and live with me, but also asking if I could pay something to the family to secure her engagement (as I understand is tradition?). I have never suggested to anybody that I thought we needed to move in together, and I have never got the impression that she was eager for this to happen this either.
I will talk this over with her of course, but I was hoping someone here might be able to give me some tips about navigating this cultural difference.
I believe that this girl is serious about me, and I don't doubt the family's intentions here either. I just am not sure what they are really expecting of me - Is this an invitation for me to pay some kind of support, and is it appropriate for western guys to do that when dating locals? I've read on these forums about 'milk money' and such - Is she prompting me to pay some kind of virginity tax?? For the record, I don't know that this girl is a virgin, and I don't care for that matter either, as her past is her past. Is this a normal thing that I should just cough up? If so, could anyone tell me what is normal to pay? Sorry, if anything I say is disrespectful. It's not intended to be, I just have have no clue about this and can't even find much info on it.
As I'm concerned, getting married at this early stage to somebody this young would quite clearly be irresponsible for everyone involved. Even her moving to Taiwan would put huge pressure on us, and on her personally at such a young age. Still, I do like her, as I say, and want to assure her and them that I'm serious.
Besides talking to the girl of course, how best should I best handle this? Is there anything I'm not considering?
Thanks to all for reading.
Talk to your girl and explain how you feel. If as it sounds she's thinking along the same lines as you, it will then be up to her to persuade her parents and it will depend on how much say so she has. Be aware though that if you are to start sleeping together, she may also want some kind of assurance.
As an aside, at least half the young Cambodian women I know who have gotten married in the last few years have miraculously given birth about 7 months after the wedding!
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You say you’ve received a message from her mother. She speaks English?
pew, pew, pew, pew!
Not a word. The parents are always messaging me but it's all done via Google Translate haha
She is undoubtably a good girl and family are indeed a little hard up.IJR wrote: ↑Tue Feb 21, 2023 8:26 pmMy guess would be that you've got yourself a good girl from a poor-ish family, and her parents are nervous that you'll defile their daughter then disappear (being as you're a foreigner and it would be easy for you to do so). I think they're offering you a sort of modern compromise whereby the money makes you less likely to run off, and the engagement allows them to save face with their friends, neighbours and relatives. There's a strong chance gossiping cunts are already suggesting that she's sleeping with you.
What you described makes a lot of sense to me, thanks. And if they are after a sort of 'modern compromise' or guarantee in case I get her pregnant then ditch or something then I can see where they are coming from.
Rather than the money, my biggest worry is that despite genuinely being serious about her, I don't want to be sending a message by paying something like a dowry and messing with their expectations. If all goes well after a couple of years, I may consider marrying her, but for now that's just not something that should be happening.
Whereas if it's just to show I'm serious about this and can make some money available to reassure them, that could work for me. As long as it's clearly a gear somewhere in between - not just random foreigner taking their daughter home, but not yet shopping for wedding dresses (or even moving in), hopefully we can find an understanding there.
Whether the parents will be receptive to that or not is to be seen, but I will talk to my girlfriend to understand where they might stand. I just wanted to try understand the cultural background before I did that.
Thanks for breaking that down for me, though, I appreciate it.
Ah yes, I guess that is another factor on their minds. I'll be careful there.
Why's that? Red flag that they mentioned this so soon?
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